My Derealization & Depersonalization Experience.

“Derealization or derealisation (sometimes abbreviated as DR) is an alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems unreal. Other symptoms include feeling as though one’s environment is lacking in spontaneity, emotional colouring, and depth.”

I remember laying on the sofa drinking from my baby bottle (mind that I stopped using my baby bottle at the age of 7). So I was probably 7 or younger at that time and—it just hit me. I looked at my Mother and I asked myself, “Is that, my mom?” I know her. But I feel like I don’t. I look around me, everything is in slow-motion and it feels like I’m in a “dream”. I look at my hand and everything around me. It is there. But I cannot seem to feel or register in my mind that I see them.

One of my most memorable experience was when I was with my best friend in high school. We went to a department store to buy our school project supplies when all of a sudden it hit me. Everything was in slow-motion, all I can hear are slurred words, it feels like I’m floating, and everything is a blur. I keep on telling her that it feels like I’m dreaming.

I tried to touch the things around me to feel something, but I don’t seem to feel anything. I look at things but it doesn’t feel like I’m looking at anything. I know it doesn’t make sense. But at that time, the world and everything around me did not make sense either.

I was still staring and touching everything. But it feels like I cannot see and feel any of it. They feel strange. So I finally asked my friend to slap me. I wanted her to slap me, really hard! I wanted to snap out of it!

And *Bam* I fell on the floor.

I was still in that sensation that I was on the floor for a good couple of seconds. People were staring at me but I did not care. They did not feel real to me.

I went home and I was still in that state of mind. I was floating through the crowd, I’m staring at everything, I know it. But I cannot recognize it. I know my way home, but it doesn’t feel like I’m on my way home. I look at my hands, but I cannot seem to see them, but I do see them. I tried to feel around, but I still cannot seem to feel anything.

Everything felt surreal that I tried to stop myself from doing something stupid, like jumping out of the jeepney. Everything felt unreal that it feels like I can do everything I want. I would not care, and no one would care.

Depersonalization or depersonalisation can consist of a detachment within the self-regarding one’s mind or body, or being a detached observer of oneself. Subjects feel they have changed and that the world has become vague, dreamlike, less real, or lacking in significance.”

People can get confused between Derealization and Depersonalization. But there is a difference between them.

I think Depersonalization is something everyone has experienced already.

You know those time when you look in the mirror and you just look at yourself and you feel like it is not you, or you wonder why you are you? There are billions of people in this world and yet, you are you. Again, none of this experiences make sense.

Both feel surreal and you get a sense of alienation. But both are different. One is feeling detached from the world, and the other is feeling detached from one’s self.

Both experiences are linked to mental illness.

Now, everything makes sense.

Stay Weird, Dee x


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